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When we experience hot play with a buddy or partner, we are often giving and receiving simultaneously, rushing towards orgasm, thoughts racing and body moving in ways we have relied upon to turn us on. If we can slow everything down and make space to build energy slowly while accepting thoughts and emotions as they surface, we can intensify our sensations, as well as our love for our own selves. We learn to own our “turn-on” in a way that is more felt and less conceptualized. We feel more deeply. Sensations are magnified, and we can be seen in greater capacities. It can sometimes be challenging to be fully seen by someone that knows us intimately. If we slow down and witness more of ourselves and our partners, we augment our abilities to feel so much more, and it will have lasting positive effects on us.
One way to slow things down and look at our relationship to pleasure and surrender is by creating an EDGING scene. Many times, we have seen men in porn being edged, tortured and begging for permission to cum. Maybe their tormentor punishes them and demeans them physically and emotionally. It can certainly be super hot to look within ourselves at that relationship to power exchange—the parts of us that want to submit to authority, but have railed against it all of our lives. Maybe we see ourselves as undeserving of pleasure because of the lingering effects of shame over gay sexuality. Maybe we have suffered a lot in our lives and want experience suffering, even punishment, in a safe, fun way, to “touch it where it hurts.” Having a buddy or partner edge us beneath the brink of orgasm can put us in touch with so much of our own subconscious programming, and allow us to confront the impulsive tendency to limit how much joy we might truly feel, how much intensity we want to experience, how deeply we desire, and yearn to be seen.
There is great power and pleasure in acknowledging and expanding our capacity to both give and receive—to test our own limits of letting in pleasure, not only physically, but emotionally, as well. When we allow space to focus on one role at a time, we can unearth a great deal about our attitudes around sex, pleasure and worthiness. We can expand our ability to let love into our lives by practicing sexual pleasure in way that allows space for our feelings to emerge and be shared in the sexual space. It is so valuable to examine our relationship to both giving and receiving. Do you typically go to a familiar role to be sexual? Do you feel more comfortable as the top or the bottom? Do you shy away from parts of yourself that challenge your operating sexual identity? If we play one side of the giving/receiving dynamic at a time and really feel what lies underneath each side of that spectrum, we can stretch our sexual range of expression and become a better lover in the process.
This exercise is scalable, in that, the scene will contain what each person “brings” personally into the space. If you are hooking up with a new friend, you can do this exercise in a fun, exploratory way that lightly touches on personal emotions. If you are with a long-time partner or sex buddy, the exercise can be used to stretch out the concept of space and time, uncover deep emotional patterns that may inhibit our freedom, and powerfully build trust and intimacy. For the best effect, play both sides of this game so you can experience your personal range of expression.
For this exercise, you will need these items:
—restraints/rope to secure legs/arms to the bed or other surface
—a soft make-up brush, like one that could be used to apply blush or powder to the face
—some sexy music
—Giver, prepare a list of all the things that you love about the guy that you are going to be edging. Think about all the qualities that you love about him, physical and otherwise. List why you enjoy watching him, thinking about him, the ways he makes you smile, the ways in which you long for him, the things about his body that drive you wild, any stories that stand out in your mind about him.
Sex begins in the mind. When we feel the horny urge to hook up or masturbate, there is a lot of psychic energy that we automatically generate around these activities. We may send hot texts to a guy and build energy with him. We might spend an enormous chunk of time searching for someone to hook up with, all the while building anticipation and “intrigue.” By the time we actually get to the sex, we have often built up a dam of energy in our minds and bodies that is just waiting for the tiniest crack to explode! We want to consciously master this dynamic in order to increase sensations in our bodies and to allow ourselves to be swept away in the sexual currents that we generate. The edging begins in the mind long before the actual event happens. That way, there is more energy around it for both the giver and receiver. In the days that lead up to the scene, try to hold back your ejaculation so that you have a lot of stored up energy and excitement. If you can stand it, hold it back for 5-7 days!
Giver: Make a list of all the dirty things your want to tell the guy that you’re planning to edge. Let him know in advance what you want to do to him, how you want to make him moan and shake. Really get into the role of giving. Imagine yourself channeling energy into your guy, allowing his mind to be blown because you are a conduit of pleasure for his body. Tell him how it turns you on to think about him not being able to move, taking in all the intensity that you are going to give him. Challenge yourself to open up and talk dirty to him. It is an opportunity to expand your expression of asserting and witnessing.
Receiver: Tell your guy how badly you want it. How it makes you feel to be the object of his attention. Challenge yourself to be vulnerable and feel anything that comes up around your surrender.
Before you begin your scene with mood and music, both of you acknowledging the space that you are about to create together. Spend a few moments gazing into each other’s eyes in order to “drop-in” and slow down your nervous systems. Ask yourself, How good can I stand it?? How much do I desire to control this guy, maybe even reality? How much do I really want to be the object of desire and attention? Begin your scene.
Giver: strip your guy to his underwear and gaze at him with unflinching attention. Put a blindfold on him and whisper into his ear that you’ve been waiting for this for days, how you’re going to drive him crazy. Mean it. Start to trace your fingers all over his body, testing for places that make him shudder, whimper or give signs that they are highly charged places for him. Remember these places. Be so light with touch. Take long pauses. Make him guess what is going to happen next. While stroking up his calves, towards his crotch, and around it up onto the abdomen. Don’t go near his cock for as long as possible. Instruct him to hold his arms over his head while you smell his armpits, breathing on them gently, stroking them with the lightest touch possible. Make him shudder. Pause and take him in. Tell him something that you love about his body. Let the compliment settle before resuming touch. Tell him something else that you love about his body. Remember, he can’t see you, and he doesn’t know what you’re looking at, so each compliment will be a surprise. It’s a way of guiding his attention to a place on his body before you actually touch it. Then, touch the place you mentioned and make a sound that signals how great it feels for you to touch it. Really get into the role of giving and how good it feels to stretch this time out and explore all the ways you can consume this man before you! Take your time, exploring his nipples, armpits, obliques, knees, inner thighs. Keep avoiding his cock and balls. Begin to tickle him gently in a few of his sensitive areas. Take about 5 mins in this stage.
Lie him down on the bed or floor and secure his hands. Make sure he is comfortable and that the restraints are not too tight. You will want to check back periodically to make sure he has good circulation in his hands and that he has space to move his arms a bit without being able to free himself. Resume giving his body attention in his most sensitive areas. Introduce your tongue in his armpits, around his nipples, in his inner thighs. Suck on his ear lobes, tongue his ear, nibble his neck. Shower him with compliments. Smell his cock through his underwear, grazing his balls with your nose ever-so-lightly. Avoid touching his hard cock. Pull his legs up and smell his ass through his underwear. If you are hard at this point, maybe stroke your own cock so that your sexual energy will rise with his. Go on like this for maybe 5-10 mins, stroking his body, praising him for his beauty and expression.
Take his underwear off slowly, pausing just before letting his hard cock bounce out. DON’T touch it yet! Make a sound. Smell his dick. Let him feel your breath on it. Tell him how gorgeous it is. Secure his feet, legs spread. Smell his feet. Tongue them gently. Massage them and tickle them. Trace your fingertips up his leg slowly, stopping inches away from his balls. Tongue around his calves and kneecaps. These places can be immensely pleasurable. Work your way up his thighs to tongue his balls ever so gently that it makes him moan. Tell him how sexy they are and how excited you are to drain them for him. Stay there a while, working your tongue around his nuts, in the crease between them and his thighs. Tongue his taint and maybe flick the tip over his asshole just once. Tickle the area above his cock in his pubic hair. Continue to tickle and caress the areas all around his hard cock, but not actually touching it. Take another 5-10 mins here!
Receiver: How much do you want to express pleasure? Are you allowing your breath to move throughout your body? Make sounds. Let your voice and breath express how good it feels to be touched. Tell him thank you for making you feel this amazing. Tell him how badly you want him to touch your cock. Tell him how much you crave the touch of his mouth over it. Notice if it’s difficult for you to accept all the wonderful things that he is telling you about yourself. Open yourself for it. Let it in. Accept that you are worthy of attention and praise.
Giver: When he starts making lots of sounds or breathing hard, pull out the soft make-up brush and start teasing his balls and base of his cock. Readdress his most sensitive areas around his body. Brush over his nipples and kiss his neck. Run your tongue from his balls, up his shaft, and stop short of the head of his cock. After doing this repeatedly and telling him how delicious he is, how it makes you so happy to empower him to feel this great, start brushing the brush over and around his dickhead. Smear his precum around with the brush. Make sound to encourage the space to continue opening between you. Breathe deeply. Smell him. Consume him with your eyes. Continue tickling brush strokes on his cock head for about 3-5 mins. When you are both highly aroused and wish to move the energy into a higher vibration, begin skin to skin contact.
Tug his balls down with one hand and begin taking lubed strokes with the other hand from the very base all the way over and off of his dick. Make his dick jump. Ask him how it feels to have his cock stroked. Continue doing this, slowly, but with enthusiasm, over and off of his cock for at least two minutes. Start playing with different grips. Explore a backhanded grip, screwing the hand over and back down slowly. With every stroke change, maintain that type of grip for about two or three mins. Give each stroke time to “settle in” before moving on to another stroke. As he gets closer and closer to cumming, slow down again and keep him from going over the edge. Turn attention to his balls. Lick them all the way up and over the tip of his cock. Place the head in your mouth, but don’t close your mouth down on it; just let him feel the tongue and breath for a few seconds before continuing to stroke. The mere suggestion that you might suck him will drive him crazy. Ask him what it feels like to be in your control, as you hold him with love and fierce attention.
Giver and Receiver: The goal is to prolong orgasm as long as possible. This scene can go on for as long as you both want. Try to bring the receiver to the brink of orgasm and back off at least five times. Your brains will be flooding your body with chemicals that make you feel high and so connected. Let any emotions or thoughts that want to come through out into the room between you. The more honest you are about how you feel, the more you are “seen” and the sensations can keep rising.
Giver: Continue to tell him how hot it is to watch him writhe around and need this kind of attention. Tell him that you can see how much he loves his cock to be worshipped like this. Shower him with affections and hold his energy just under orgasm until he can no longer wait. While you are stroking him, encourage him to breathe, make sounds, let his body go and buck into your hand while you jack him. When he is about to shoot, be ready to reach up and pull off the blindfold. Just as he is going over the edge and starting to convulse, pull his blindfold off and witness him. He will be looking at you while he shoots all over the place. Thank him for receiving your attention. Hold each other and let the glow around you continue to warm you while the experience soaks in.
This concept was created by Finn Deerhart: http://www.finndeerhart.com
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